Introspection

My blog is mainly a collection of lighter topics, but every now and then I feel like writing something a bit deeper. As most of you know, I am a pretty private person. I'm honest and will answer questions posed to me, but I'm not likely to volunteer much information about myself until I really get to know the other person. I think that comes from a fear of failure which comes from the pressure I was under growing up. My parents always treated me well and my brother and I never wanted for much, but there were a lot of expectations put on me. I was always expected to succeed and if I didn't, I didn't get beaten down, but they would be disappointed. There is nothing worse for a kid than to disappoint someone. Consequently, I withdrew a bit and didn't try to do too much because I was worried about what would happen if I failed.

You'll also never hear me talk about middle school or high school with any fondness either. I went through puberty very early and was 5'11" in sixth grade so I stuck out quite a bit. I had bad skin as well and was one of the smartest kids in school. That means that I got teased and picked on. No one tried to beat me up because I was much bigger than everyone else, but words can hurt more than a fist. Some people crave attention, but I doubt those people are 15 year olds. Young kids just want to fit in and be part of the group.

I think the last few years I've finally realized that it is ok to fail because the journey or process can often be more important than the end results. It's ok if I never get completely rocked out, but I shouldn't stress out about it because I can have fun getting in shape. I shouldn't quit on the off chance that I might not succeed. It's also ok if I don't get a fantastic house later this year because I can have fun learning how to fix one up. I know it's a lot of work, but I've always wanted to learn to be handy and this situation seems like a good opportunity. Besides I think I would get more satisfaction living in a home that I improved rather than one that was nice to begin with. Of course, I'm not going to do anything stupid and try to rewire the house or install a new toilet, but I should be able to do all of my own flooring, yard work and finishing.

I have also been working on being more outgoing. I know that I need more "cave time" than most people, but that doesn't mean that I should stay at home all the time. I like pressing the flesh at the farmer's market and I like playing frisbee and basketball because I get to interact with people that I don't work with. I think we learn quite a bit about ourselves when we interact with others as they serve as a foil. I also should get out to do other activities with friends: go to the beach, go to museums, go to plays, etc.

Recently I have been working on being myself and not trying to please everyone. Even though I'm working on having more tact, I'm still going to be a bit obscene, coarse and irreverent, but that's ok. That's just who I am. I have a lot to offer as I have interest thoughts, I'm pretty sharp and I'm pretty funny in a dry, caustic and sarcastic sort of way. I need to realize that not everyone is going to like me and if they don't, it's ok. It's not necessarily my fault and why should I want to hang out with people that don't like me? I won't go as far to say "their loss," but I'm not going to get too worked about it.

I don't need to be the best person ever; just the best person that I can be.

Heh. I think I mentioned that 2008 was going to be the year of self-improvement for me and I think that I'm off to a pretty good start. I'm getting into better shape and I'm socializing more. It also seems like I'll have enough money to get some property at the end of the year. It'll be great to have a place to call my own.